Happy New Year!

So, obviously when I last wrote and said I would be posting more often, it was a blatant lie, because it's been since what?  July?  Holy heavenly chickens!  Ah well, the best laid plans and all that.

Well, it's New Years.  I feel as if I should be more excited about that than I actually am.  I remember when New Years meant dancing and drinking and hordes or youthful nonsense.  Now I'm hanging out at home, having a beer, relaxing and pondering whether or not I'll actually make it to the big ball drop.

I've been mulling over life the past year though.  How much things have changed, and what will be changing in the coming months.  As some of you know I moved in September and will be moving again early this summer.  Exciting?  Yes, but sometimes I wonder if the constant movement makes it too easy for me to simply disappear.  There have been many nice memories in the year past though.  Nora, for one, always makes me smile and she had some classic one liners not to be forgotten.  That kid is either going to be a comedian, a psycho, or a lawyer.  The verdict's still out.  At my sister-in-law's baby shower she lifted up a present and proclaimed, "Pants - really big pants", she renamed stockings shoe pockets, when asked if she was eating a ginger bread house for dinner, she stated that she was simply having the house special, and she informed me she's unlike any other child in the world.  She's just like a grown up. Apparently I missed that memo.  There were tons more, but those are the few that popped into my head first.  There are also dear friends, they know who they are, that made this past year a little brighter, full of love and unwavering support.  I owe them more than I could ever repay.

Well, that's all, a new year is coming.  The Mayans were wrong, Dec. 2012 wasn't the end of the world; thank God too, I still need to figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up. 

Take care everyone, stay safe and have a wonderful New Year.

How Unfortunate

Well, I thought I was doing well.  I've had some bad dreams the last few nights and haven't been getting a whole lot of sleep, but nothing too awful.  So, this morning when I was making my daughter breakfast and she began talking about her water that I took from her last night I thought perhaps she had me confused with her dad or that she had lost her mind, or perhaps that she was talking about something that happened a long time ago.  The conversation went something like this:
"Mama, can I have the water you took from me last night now?"
"What water?"
"The water you took."
"I didn't take water from you last night, I didn't even go into your room."
"Yes, you did and you took the water."
"Nora, no I did not and why would I take your water anyway?"
"So I wouldn't pee the bed."
"Oh, ok, yes good reason, but I didn't take any water because you didn't have any water."
"YES YOU DID."
"NO I DIDN'T.  I'll get you new water."  *walks a glass of water over to her*
"Mama!  It's in the fridge in the Spongebob cup."
"No, it's....*opens fridge* ...in the fridge. Oh.  Here you go, sweetie.  Sorry." *Nora huffs at me*

Well damn! I wonder what other fun things I do while I'm in la la land.

Father's Day

It's Father's Day.  We're suppose to be honoring our fathers today, thanking them.  I won't be doing that, but my daughter and I did do some fun projects for my husband.  We called my brother too, whose a father of three, to remind him that he rocks out loud.  I don't mind it so much now.  I don't really know that it's because I'm older or because I'm rarely there.  I think perhaps it's because life has changed.  I don't need to obsess about what I lost or don't have, when I have something here and now that I can embrace and be thankful for.  Yesterday my husband spent the day getting ice cream with our daughter, napping on the hammock with her, playing outside and swimming.  They put the dog in the pool and they made a mess all over the house, but they enjoyed each other. I think he was celebrating being a father this weekend as much as we were thanking him for being one.  My husband isn't always around, he's not always nice (neither am I) and things aren't perfect, but this weekend was pretty damn close.

It's funny what 6 year olds will say.

Depression

It's been happening more often.  Moments I'm not real sure what I was doing, if I have done something, what happened in between being in the bedroom and getting on the road.  Sometimes it's because I'm stressed, but other times it seems to precede the sorrow.  This is one of those times.


I keep hoping someday it will go away.  That I'll wake up one morning and be able to keep the sadness at bay.  Mostly I fake cheer, big smiles, laughs, funny emails.  It's a lie though, done somewhat for myself, but for others too, so they'll put up with me just a bit longer.

Today, the sorrow is suffocating.

Field Trip

Field trip today, somewhere an hour drive into Alabama with a large number of kindergarteners. *wide eyes*. Should be interesting, it's too see reptiles, amphibians and the like. Oh boy. Wish me luck!

I'm Brilliant

So, I spent part of my day today outside in my garage painting the background color for a 2'x 2' L I'm making for a teacher.  Yes, you read that right.  What?  She's a kindergarten teacher.  Don't judge me!  As I was saying, I was out there painting away and on my third coat of a pretty blue when I actually looked at my L, which at the time wasn't an L at all, but a backwards L or maybe half of a square.  I'd been painting the back.  Only took me three coats of paint to realize it!  Awesome.  Sometimes my gift of observation amazes even me.  Fuck. Guess I better turn it over, huh?

Food for Thought

"The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present."

                           - Barbara De Angelis

Little Red

Some of you know I volunteer at my daughter's school, tutoring some of the kindergarten kids in reading or math in a few of the classrooms, depending on what they're working on that day.  Well, one of the kindergarten students (not in either of the classrooms I help) is this little girl I call Little Red, because she's the tiniest one and she has bright red hair and she's mean, oh my good Lord is she mean.  She snaps at other students, she doesn't listen, she curses - she is feisty as hell.  I love her.  I want to put her in my pocket and take her home with me.  She got in loads of trouble last week, so when I was talking to the principle and asked what she did, this is what I was told:  She is continuously saying "shit", she gave one of the teachers a titty twister (seriously), she wiped poop on her shirt (gross gross gross!), and she went into the boy's bathroom to see them pee and when asked why she did so, she said that she "wanted to see it."  Ok, well yeah fine, I draw the line at penises too, but I still want to take her home with me. 

What happened to using the bathroom?

I'm getting ready to leave to go tutor the wee ones, sort of.  I'm having coffee anyway, so that's a step in the right direction.  Thus far this morning my daughter wet her bed, the cat went to the bathroom (all of it) in my daughter's dress up clothes (no, I have no idea why, his litter box is clean.), I found a foreign liquid substance of some kind on the couch (not even going to venture a guess as to what it was, I just cleaned it) and my dear husband forgot our anniversary, although that was rather comical.  Here's a bit how that went:


Morning sometime, very early, before people should actually get up.
Chris: grumbling and growling
Me: "Honey?"
Chris: Makes some form of nonverbal acknowledgement, not quite a grunt, but a vague attempt at one.
Me: "Chris?" *said sweetly with batting lashes*
Chris: "Umpfffgrbble"
Me: "Ok.  Well, have a good day, love."
Chris: Comes over and gives me a peck and turns to, I grab him and pull back.  "I won't crash," he says.
Me: "Uh, that was actually going to be my second line, the first is happy anniversary."
Chris: Turns with look of horror.  "Oh fuck."

Ha!  Poor man.

Not Forgotten

I knew a girl growing up.  I met her in dance class when I was three or four; she had big brown eyes and dimples.  She was quiet, soft spoken and shy.  She didn't let most people in and felt she couldn't relate to most.  She was spontaneous and disheveled and she danced as a way to express herself.  She wanted nothing more in this world than to be loved and she was my very best friend.  I remember her poodle skirt birthday in second grade and how she would come cheer me on at my gymnastics competitions and later in my cross country meets.  That was her, always rooting for me, even when I fucked up.  I remember she wore a purple skirt and top with panda bears and  purple leg warmers the first day of fourth grade.  I remember because I was so happy to see her.  I remember her being the first one at my mom's funeral in 9th grade.  I remember watching her dance in college, going to a performance in Boston with the percussion section of the band. I remember spending a summer at a little apartment on the beach with her, drinking rum and crystal light raspberry iced tea and working at Walgreens.  I remember moving away at 20 and thinking I would miss her forever, but forever was only two years, when she moved down after graduation.  I remember her holding my daughter right after she was born and singing Mocking Bird to our children as they screamed in the back after a day at the park.  I remember hiking with her constantly and her saying once that sometimes she thought we were the only two real people in the whole world.  I remember getting a call from her mother a cloudy morning in June saying she was dead.  I love you, Erin.  Always.  Happy 32nd birthday tomorrow.

Our song.

V-Day

"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
 Henry David Thoreau

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!  xoxo
 

Unwanted

So, suffice to say, I'm not in Jax's Beach anymore.  Obviously.  I've been home for awhile and I am quite possibly the worst blogger every, so sorry for those of you following if you actually expect frequent posts.  Generally because I don't have much to say or what I do have to say, I've already said to those that matter most and also because some days I'd rather not have some of those that matter know how I'm really feeling.  Today however I'm a bit tired.  Tired of life, tired of trying to protect everyone, trying to attempting to understand others, tired of constantly helping, tired of being afraid, just tired.  We're moving again soon, well not soon exactly, but in the next 6-10 months.  It's time.  I'm not entirely sure where, we have an idea, but nothing is set in stone until we have his orders in our hands, which will more than likely be two weeks before we leave, or he leaves.  I'm ready, I'm antsy, it's time.  I don't enjoy staying anywhere long, I get restless and rather paranoid.  Moving in a way allows me to not have to combat all of my issues, at least not right now, when I have others to work on.  I'm constantly waiting to not be wanted and when you move as often as I do, it's less of a crushing anxiety.  I have it online too though, I didn't think I would, in fact it's part of why I came to the "online world' in the first place.  If people don't really know you, they can't not want you, because you can only not want someone you know.  If they're foreign to you, you don't know enough to not want them.  Now though, I have a few friends I've had for awhile, well over a year and I wonder if it will ever go away or if I'll forever wonder when they'll realize they don't want me.  It's strange isn't it?  That continuous paranoia?  

Later, not now, because I'm kind of emotionally spent and vulnerable and I've only written one paragraph, so you know, perhaps a month from now I'm going to do a post about not knowing how to say no.  Now though, I'm going to go read.  

Love to all.

Here

Made it safely to Jax Beach yesterday after a forever drive in the car with my six year old.  I've come to realize that drives seem to get infinitely longer when you have a child in the car.  Has anyone else noticed this phenomena? 

At any rate, yesterday I wasn't in the best of places mentally anyway, so it may have been beneficial to be in the car the majority of the day where I couldn't really bring others down with my less than stellar attitude.  I'm feeling a bit better this morning, but to be honest, last week was a long one and I'm feeling rather mentally and emotionally fragile and insecure.  Iv helped a lot last night to set my head back on straight, or as straight as it will go, but I always feel guilty later whenever a mental slap is needed.  I'm blessed to have friends that will put up with me whenever I'm a bit off though.

I have a baby shower to attend today and there are family and friends here and it is Jax Beach after all, so really what do I have to complain about?

Here's a video my brother-in-law and I have gotten great enjoyment out of, those of you that are runners may like it as well.

For Matty and Bradley. A holiday suggestion.

My last JT post of the day, promise. :)

Men in leotards. How marvelous!

Last night I was speaking with a friend of mine about tu-tus.  Well, ok, that's not exactly the truth, he said something about tu-tus and I went OMG that reminds me of a Justin Timberlake SNL skit!

I hope you all enjoy it as much as I always do!

Here's the link:  http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/1077556/

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Happy New Year, Everyone!  I hope you all had a wonderful New Year's Eve and aren't hurting too badly this morning!