It's been happening more often. Moments I'm not real sure what I was doing, if I have done something, what happened in between being in the bedroom and getting on the road. Sometimes it's because I'm stressed, but other times it seems to precede the sorrow. This is one of those times.
I keep hoping someday it will go away. That I'll wake up one morning and be able to keep the sadness at bay. Mostly I fake cheer, big smiles, laughs, funny emails. It's a lie though, done somewhat for myself, but for others too, so they'll put up with me just a bit longer.
No matter how sad you are, I will always enjoy talking to you, Shell.
ReplyDeleteIt's not a matter of "putting up" with you, but of being happy to spend time with you. No matter how sad or happy you feel. *hugs*
*hugs you tight & wipes tears* Thank you, sweetie.
DeleteThere are days I just don't know what to say and this is one of them. I know you somehow believe that you are unlovable and no one realy cares and I know where that comes from, where that belief comes from, and I know that one of the reasons you don't want to make friends where you are or invite people over or get close to people is that life has taught you it is fleeting. People you have loved more than anything have died/left you. Because you are a military wife you move around constantly and you lose people that way. If you don't show them who you are, then you can't be rejected for that. I know all that.
ReplyDeleteBut life is made up of people who touch our lives, even briefly, and each of those moments in time should be treasured, because none of us know when that will change. People come and go in our every day lives, but they don't leave our hearts...ever.
One of the reasons I hang around still is because I think...how would Shell feel if I gave up...and it keeps me here
Hugs
I would be devastated if you gave up. You remind me when I need it most to get my ass up and just keep breathing and you've become my closest friend.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, everything you said is true and yet there are some people that get under my skin and stay there, that I can't help but love. You're one of them, Iv.
Just know that you are loved and people would definitely care if you weren't around. If you need to talk I'm here. (I can totally relate to the whole military wife/moving around all the time thing.)
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
Military wife too, huh? It can get a bit overwhelming sometimes. Same goes. Iv has my email if you ever need a friend.
DeleteThank you for your kind words, Amanda. *hugs you back*
ReplyDeleteIt's not something I talk about but several years ago my best friend killed himself. He jumped off a cliff into the rocks of the pacific ocean. Like me, he loved to surf, so this was his way of always being part of the sea.
ReplyDeleteHe had severe depression and had been diagnosed at a young age and he often spoke of how he pretended to be happy to those around him and I asked him about it once and he said it was what people expected. Anything else and they would start asking too many questions, things he didn't want them to know.
Anyway, for some reason your post reminded me of this.