Unwanted

So, suffice to say, I'm not in Jax's Beach anymore.  Obviously.  I've been home for awhile and I am quite possibly the worst blogger every, so sorry for those of you following if you actually expect frequent posts.  Generally because I don't have much to say or what I do have to say, I've already said to those that matter most and also because some days I'd rather not have some of those that matter know how I'm really feeling.  Today however I'm a bit tired.  Tired of life, tired of trying to protect everyone, trying to attempting to understand others, tired of constantly helping, tired of being afraid, just tired.  We're moving again soon, well not soon exactly, but in the next 6-10 months.  It's time.  I'm not entirely sure where, we have an idea, but nothing is set in stone until we have his orders in our hands, which will more than likely be two weeks before we leave, or he leaves.  I'm ready, I'm antsy, it's time.  I don't enjoy staying anywhere long, I get restless and rather paranoid.  Moving in a way allows me to not have to combat all of my issues, at least not right now, when I have others to work on.  I'm constantly waiting to not be wanted and when you move as often as I do, it's less of a crushing anxiety.  I have it online too though, I didn't think I would, in fact it's part of why I came to the "online world' in the first place.  If people don't really know you, they can't not want you, because you can only not want someone you know.  If they're foreign to you, you don't know enough to not want them.  Now though, I have a few friends I've had for awhile, well over a year and I wonder if it will ever go away or if I'll forever wonder when they'll realize they don't want me.  It's strange isn't it?  That continuous paranoia?  

Later, not now, because I'm kind of emotionally spent and vulnerable and I've only written one paragraph, so you know, perhaps a month from now I'm going to do a post about not knowing how to say no.  Now though, I'm going to go read.  

Love to all.