A friend of mine and I were discussing blogs one day. His blog is much more entertaining than mine and I enjoy listening and partaking in the banter there very much. However, this is my take on my blog. It's one of my releases, like a good run, meditating or doing a little yoga. I won't always be entertaining or chipper, but I'm not IRL either. Yes, I laugh a lot and I talk a lot, but for the most part I'm rather serious, enjoy my alone time, dislike crowds and I'm rather neurotic. That's me. So, I may let my little gloom cloud rain here every now and again. I'm sorry, I'll pass out umbrellas later.
That all leads me to this: today is not one of my better days. I kind of knew it was coming, I usually do. I've noticed I sometimes feel very antsy before a depressive episode. Is that even what they're called? Episodes? I don't know, but the days where you wake up and want nothing more than to pull the covers back up and ignore the rest of the world. I didn't though, no worries. I have a whole set of things I'm suppose to do to try and get me out of my funks, my counselor seems to like to give me suggestions for fighting my depression. They're good suggestions and they do work sometimes, it's just hard to get myself started. I feel like I'm climbing out of a humongous ditch and I can see the light way up top, but it's so damn far away and the climb up really sucks. It helps if I stay busy though and I know that. So, I got up, made Nora lunch, let her sleep in an extra half hr and drove her to school,(rather than having her ride the bus) went and ran a few errands and then went to the field where hay was suppose to be dropped off today for this enormous hay maze that's being made for the month of October to raise money for the school. Swear to God, only this close to Alabama (sorry, anyone who loves Alabama, but...uh, it kind of sucks rocks) would people be making a hay maze. It's nice, yes, I understand, but really, hay is itchy, bales are heavy and well, I just don't like it. lol. I did take my raggedy ass out and move hay bales to help today though and after that I came home, took a shower, and went for a long, hard run. I know, it seems silly to shower before running, but trust me, running with hay on me would have been miserable. I did a hard run to help with the depression and it helps, I know it does, but it scares me too. Let me explain and you'll all be the first to hear it, because I haven't said it out loud yet and am not sure how to voice it really. Things are always easier to write than they are to say. Some of you may think differently of me though. I don't know, I do sometimes. When I'm depressed and I just want to run, it's a release, yes, but that's not what bothers me. It's just, when I'm in that place I want to run until it hurts. I want it to hurt. That pain that you get when you're running hard and it feels like your lungs are burning and your chest hurts, that's what I'm striving for when I'm in that place and I don't know why. I'm punishing myself or I guess that's how it feels.
first of all *hugs*. Second of all if I am the entertaining blog, let me sasy that one of the reason I have 3 other posters is because people would want to punch me in my depressing nose if I posted myself all the time. Trust me.
ReplyDeleteI can see where running until it hurts is your way of release. We all find different ways to deal with pain and depression and dark moods. Yours works for you and is no different, worse, crazier, etc than anyone else's.
Lmao! I don't think anyone would actually want to punch you in the nose if it was just you, Iv, but I do enjoy the four of you posting.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ivie, I needed a little assurance on that. *hugs you back*
*hugs* Your blog is like your house. You should be able to share what you want to share whether it's happy, hilarious, hysterical, or gloomy. (I ran out of H words there.)
ReplyDeleteI think I understand your need to run. That physical pain is something that can be dealt with. You know where it's coming from/what the cause is. With depression and anxiety, we don't always realize what triggers episodes. I know that I will do things like read until I can't see because I'm avoiding thinking about my issues or what is causing them. That physical pain is probably like that. You can focus on your feet hitting the ground and the burn, not on what hurts emotionally.
*hugs E* Yes! That's exactly what it's like. I'll read and I'll meditate or do yoga, but when I'm really low I want to run till I feel like I'm going to vomit or fall over and I get that, I understand that I've pushed myself to that pain, but at least I know what's causing it. A lot of times the anxiety and depression are just there, no triggers or real reason for feeling them, they simply are. At least now though, I know it'll pass, I know there's a light at the end of my tunnel. I just can't always see it. So, the meds and counseling are helping. Before I was wondering if my tunnel went on indefinitely.
ReplyDeleteIt's nice knowing that I'm not alone too. You and Iv understand and my twin brother does, as well. *hugs you again*