Field Trip

Field trip today, somewhere an hour drive into Alabama with a large number of kindergarteners. *wide eyes*. Should be interesting, it's too see reptiles, amphibians and the like. Oh boy. Wish me luck!

I'm Brilliant

So, I spent part of my day today outside in my garage painting the background color for a 2'x 2' L I'm making for a teacher.  Yes, you read that right.  What?  She's a kindergarten teacher.  Don't judge me!  As I was saying, I was out there painting away and on my third coat of a pretty blue when I actually looked at my L, which at the time wasn't an L at all, but a backwards L or maybe half of a square.  I'd been painting the back.  Only took me three coats of paint to realize it!  Awesome.  Sometimes my gift of observation amazes even me.  Fuck. Guess I better turn it over, huh?

Food for Thought

"The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present."

                           - Barbara De Angelis

Little Red

Some of you know I volunteer at my daughter's school, tutoring some of the kindergarten kids in reading or math in a few of the classrooms, depending on what they're working on that day.  Well, one of the kindergarten students (not in either of the classrooms I help) is this little girl I call Little Red, because she's the tiniest one and she has bright red hair and she's mean, oh my good Lord is she mean.  She snaps at other students, she doesn't listen, she curses - she is feisty as hell.  I love her.  I want to put her in my pocket and take her home with me.  She got in loads of trouble last week, so when I was talking to the principle and asked what she did, this is what I was told:  She is continuously saying "shit", she gave one of the teachers a titty twister (seriously), she wiped poop on her shirt (gross gross gross!), and she went into the boy's bathroom to see them pee and when asked why she did so, she said that she "wanted to see it."  Ok, well yeah fine, I draw the line at penises too, but I still want to take her home with me. 

What happened to using the bathroom?

I'm getting ready to leave to go tutor the wee ones, sort of.  I'm having coffee anyway, so that's a step in the right direction.  Thus far this morning my daughter wet her bed, the cat went to the bathroom (all of it) in my daughter's dress up clothes (no, I have no idea why, his litter box is clean.), I found a foreign liquid substance of some kind on the couch (not even going to venture a guess as to what it was, I just cleaned it) and my dear husband forgot our anniversary, although that was rather comical.  Here's a bit how that went:


Morning sometime, very early, before people should actually get up.
Chris: grumbling and growling
Me: "Honey?"
Chris: Makes some form of nonverbal acknowledgement, not quite a grunt, but a vague attempt at one.
Me: "Chris?" *said sweetly with batting lashes*
Chris: "Umpfffgrbble"
Me: "Ok.  Well, have a good day, love."
Chris: Comes over and gives me a peck and turns to, I grab him and pull back.  "I won't crash," he says.
Me: "Uh, that was actually going to be my second line, the first is happy anniversary."
Chris: Turns with look of horror.  "Oh fuck."

Ha!  Poor man.

Not Forgotten

I knew a girl growing up.  I met her in dance class when I was three or four; she had big brown eyes and dimples.  She was quiet, soft spoken and shy.  She didn't let most people in and felt she couldn't relate to most.  She was spontaneous and disheveled and she danced as a way to express herself.  She wanted nothing more in this world than to be loved and she was my very best friend.  I remember her poodle skirt birthday in second grade and how she would come cheer me on at my gymnastics competitions and later in my cross country meets.  That was her, always rooting for me, even when I fucked up.  I remember she wore a purple skirt and top with panda bears and  purple leg warmers the first day of fourth grade.  I remember because I was so happy to see her.  I remember her being the first one at my mom's funeral in 9th grade.  I remember watching her dance in college, going to a performance in Boston with the percussion section of the band. I remember spending a summer at a little apartment on the beach with her, drinking rum and crystal light raspberry iced tea and working at Walgreens.  I remember moving away at 20 and thinking I would miss her forever, but forever was only two years, when she moved down after graduation.  I remember her holding my daughter right after she was born and singing Mocking Bird to our children as they screamed in the back after a day at the park.  I remember hiking with her constantly and her saying once that sometimes she thought we were the only two real people in the whole world.  I remember getting a call from her mother a cloudy morning in June saying she was dead.  I love you, Erin.  Always.  Happy 32nd birthday tomorrow.

Our song.

V-Day

"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
 Henry David Thoreau

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!  xoxo
 

Unwanted

So, suffice to say, I'm not in Jax's Beach anymore.  Obviously.  I've been home for awhile and I am quite possibly the worst blogger every, so sorry for those of you following if you actually expect frequent posts.  Generally because I don't have much to say or what I do have to say, I've already said to those that matter most and also because some days I'd rather not have some of those that matter know how I'm really feeling.  Today however I'm a bit tired.  Tired of life, tired of trying to protect everyone, trying to attempting to understand others, tired of constantly helping, tired of being afraid, just tired.  We're moving again soon, well not soon exactly, but in the next 6-10 months.  It's time.  I'm not entirely sure where, we have an idea, but nothing is set in stone until we have his orders in our hands, which will more than likely be two weeks before we leave, or he leaves.  I'm ready, I'm antsy, it's time.  I don't enjoy staying anywhere long, I get restless and rather paranoid.  Moving in a way allows me to not have to combat all of my issues, at least not right now, when I have others to work on.  I'm constantly waiting to not be wanted and when you move as often as I do, it's less of a crushing anxiety.  I have it online too though, I didn't think I would, in fact it's part of why I came to the "online world' in the first place.  If people don't really know you, they can't not want you, because you can only not want someone you know.  If they're foreign to you, you don't know enough to not want them.  Now though, I have a few friends I've had for awhile, well over a year and I wonder if it will ever go away or if I'll forever wonder when they'll realize they don't want me.  It's strange isn't it?  That continuous paranoia?  

Later, not now, because I'm kind of emotionally spent and vulnerable and I've only written one paragraph, so you know, perhaps a month from now I'm going to do a post about not knowing how to say no.  Now though, I'm going to go read.  

Love to all.

Here

Made it safely to Jax Beach yesterday after a forever drive in the car with my six year old.  I've come to realize that drives seem to get infinitely longer when you have a child in the car.  Has anyone else noticed this phenomena? 

At any rate, yesterday I wasn't in the best of places mentally anyway, so it may have been beneficial to be in the car the majority of the day where I couldn't really bring others down with my less than stellar attitude.  I'm feeling a bit better this morning, but to be honest, last week was a long one and I'm feeling rather mentally and emotionally fragile and insecure.  Iv helped a lot last night to set my head back on straight, or as straight as it will go, but I always feel guilty later whenever a mental slap is needed.  I'm blessed to have friends that will put up with me whenever I'm a bit off though.

I have a baby shower to attend today and there are family and friends here and it is Jax Beach after all, so really what do I have to complain about?

Here's a video my brother-in-law and I have gotten great enjoyment out of, those of you that are runners may like it as well.

For Matty and Bradley. A holiday suggestion.

My last JT post of the day, promise. :)

Men in leotards. How marvelous!

Last night I was speaking with a friend of mine about tu-tus.  Well, ok, that's not exactly the truth, he said something about tu-tus and I went OMG that reminds me of a Justin Timberlake SNL skit!

I hope you all enjoy it as much as I always do!

Here's the link:  http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/1077556/

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Happy New Year, Everyone!  I hope you all had a wonderful New Year's Eve and aren't hurting too badly this morning! 

The Things I have To Put Up With

5:23 am this morning:

*Chris is poking me with his boy bits and nuzzling*

Chris:  If you have sex with me I'll make you coffee.

Me: It's 5:23 in the morning.  It's inhumane to have sex at this hour.

Chris:  It's good coffee.

Me: Go back to Key West.

Chris:  I love you.

Me: You'll still love me at 7am, we'll talk then.

Chris:  Please, baby.

Me: No.

*more nuzzling*

Me: Are you going to let me sleep?

Chris: After sex.

Me:  That coffee better be like fucking nectar from the Gods.

A Noraism

This morning my daughter was helping my mother-in-law in the kitchen, making a apple pie.  She had the apple core/peeler thingie (yes, technical term)and she was peeling and coring the apples, but you screw them on to do that first.  So, here is the conversation that ensued:

Me: Hey princess, what are you doing?

Nora: Ah, nothing, just screwing apples.

I love children.