Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Keeping it Together
The last few weeks have been hard. Very hard. I've been trying to put on a brave face and fake smile my way through the days, but it's exhausting sometimes. Fighting the bipolar without my medications is hard work. I try and keep myself occupied at all time, run further, meditate more, stay busy and keep moving. That's how I fight it, I don't know any other way, but it still wins sometimes, maybe most of the time, I don't know. I do know that trying for a baby and eventually having a healthy child is worth it though. Kids always are. There are a few I can keep taking at low doses, but really it's not worth it to me, even if the risk of anything happening is very small, the fact that there would be a risk at all makes it not worth it. On top of that I'm packing, planning and trying to get things ready for our upcoming move next month. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to crack, but mostly I try and remind myself that it's going to be ok. Besides, we're moving to Hawaii and you can't really beat that. Hey, anyone want to come see me try and surf once I'm pregnant? Lol! No? Aw, well, I promise to take pictures.
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Sorry you've been struggling. Wish I had known :(
ReplyDeleteStay strong *hugs*
As to surfing once you're pregnant? No pictures please, I demand video evidence. Same conditions as for the half-marathon apply ;)
Thanks, Kerstin and duly noted, video evidence only. :)
Delete-Shell
Okay, I am about to be honest here.
ReplyDeleteI don't think it is worth it. I'm not a parent. I've never been a parent. I realize I am coming at it from a different place. But I also am realistic. Without my meds I would have ended it long ago. I know Nora is wonderful, but to me having another one is not worth the torture you've been putting yourself through. At least not when you are dealing with moving and everything else right now. I think you shoulw have waited.
I know you are free to tell me to go fuck myself though
I would never tell you to go fuck yourself, Ivie and honestly, you're probably right. I've never been very patient, but yes, I should have waited.
Delete-Shell
And the other thing is...who will take care of Nora if you lose the battle? She's here now. She's not a ....maybe if we get lucky and it happens kind of child...she's here NOW and needs her mommy. It probably will be all right but worth it? I don't know.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say to this, Ivie. Nora is my world.
DeleteI know. That is why I worry for both of you.
DeleteSorry you're having such a hard time. And yes moving can be stressful all by itself! I can't tell you anything that would probably be able to help except that you seem to be doing the best you can....and sometimes that's all we can do. Enjoy Hawaii though. I would love to go there at least once. ((Hugs))
ReplyDeleteThanks, Amanda. Yeah, we lucked out with Hawaii as a duty station. *squeezes*
DeleteOk you know that I'm gonna be just as honest as Iv here. I am a mother and I know how wonderful kids can be and I just don't think it's worth it. You already have one utterly amazing child why are you torturing yourself. Is having a another baby something you can't live without out? Because you are playing with your life here as Iv says he would have ended it without the meds do you think your stronger than that?
ReplyDeleteAsk yourself Why exactly are you doing this? Also does the hubs know what your going through, I mean really know? Because if he loves you I'm sure he wouldn't think it was worth it either!
I'm sorry I can't tell you what you want to hear but I don't think you've thought this all the way through. Please please think about this a while longer(go back on the meds while thinking!) at least until all the stress of the moce is over you? Of course I will support you no matter what lol but you know me I will always make my feelings known.
Love you hun
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I can always count on you and Iv for my verbal slappings :) No, the hubs is gone early in the morning and hasn't been getting back from work until 8:30pm, then eats dinner, takes a shower and is in bed. He's been gone the last two weekends as well, so I don't really think he does know and I feel bad telling him I'm kind of falling apart when everyone needs me to keep it together.
DeleteLove you too, P
DeleteBut arn't partners meant to support each other? Of course you should talk to him about this he really needs to know. This was a decision you made together right? So why then should you be going through this alone? You need to do whats best for you and not worry so much about others. YOU are the one that holds your household together so you need to keep yourself safe, happy and healthy.
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