Macklemore & Ryan Lewis - Same Love

Keeping it Together

The last few weeks have been hard.  Very hard.  I've been trying to put on a brave face and fake smile my way through the days, but it's exhausting sometimes.  Fighting the bipolar without my medications is hard work.  I try and keep myself occupied at all time, run further, meditate more, stay busy and keep moving.  That's how I fight it, I don't know any other way, but it still wins sometimes, maybe most of the time, I don't know.  I do know that trying for a baby and eventually having a healthy child is worth it though.  Kids always are.  There are a few I can keep taking at low doses, but really it's not worth it to me, even if the risk of anything happening is very small, the fact that there would be a risk at all makes it not worth it.  On top of that I'm packing, planning and trying to get things ready for our upcoming move next month.  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to crack, but mostly I try and remind myself that it's going to be ok.  Besides, we're moving to Hawaii and you can't really beat that.  Hey, anyone want to come see me try and surf once I'm pregnant?  Lol!  No?  Aw, well, I promise to take pictures.

Boston

I went into town today here in NC, rather depressed from the news and thinking the world has gone mad.  Everywhere I looked though as I drove through, were thoughts of Boston.  Many of the signs now say Pray for Boston underneath the daily specials or what have you.  I cannot fathom why someone would bomb a race, or anything really, I guess I lack the psychopath gene (go me), but it's nice to be reminded that we're not all bad.

The people of Boston will continue to be in my thoughts and I really hope next year's marathon is a raging success.  I'm sure it will be.

This made me laugh.

Song of the Day

So, due to a recent, possibly insanity driven decision on my part I have done away with my bipolar meds.  Now, in some cases that's grand because one drug in particular has been a nasty bitch to get off of and I never plan on taking her again, but for the most part it sucks.  And I mean wretchedly sucks.  I'd forgotten how much of a nut I am sans meds.  Thankfully a good friend of mine, Iv, did not forget and will no doubt remind me in the future when necessary.  At any rate, since I truthfully have nothing good to say and am rapidly fluctuating between sobbing my fool head off and wanting to tell any and all living creatures and some unliving ones too to please fuck off I will just share a video of my song of the day, or the one I'm painting to anyway.

MY KID

Ok, so I'm fairly certain that my daughter's bus driver is one of those asshats (my significant other included) that hits the snooze button various times in the morning.  Sometimes he gets up after one snooze slam, others number 5.  This is my own take on why the bloody heck he's always early or late and the time varies by a good 10-20 minutes.  Either that or a drugged up wanker is driving my kid to school.  Yes, let us stick to option one, shall we?

Well this morning the asshat in question was early.  I mean the very beginning of the 10-20 minute gap early, so of course I'm rushing my child out the door and into the car. Why the car you ask?  Because, my friends, the bus stop is a good 150 yards away and it's 34 degrees outside.  Shell does not stand outside in 34 degree weather.  Oh, hell no.  So there I am, rushing my kid and the two neighbor kids into the car and driving up to the bus stop after the school bus when I proclaim, "ok, get out!"  Now I meant when I was at a complete stop, I did not mean for my daughter to throw the door open at an almost stop and do a dive roll out of the car.  Yes, you read that correctly.  A dive roll out of the car.  Let me explain.  Under no circumstances did I honestly believe she would listen to me. My child, God love her, lives in her own world most of the time.  I don't know what goes on there, but it must be a pretty fantastic place, because you can call her name and tell her to do something at least three or four times before she finally looks at you and says, "are you were talkin' to me?"  It's like living with a mini female Robert DeNiro.  Thus, I did not anticipate the events of this morning unfolding as they did and for all who are alarmed and wondering about her well being (like her mother who was gasping and sputtering in horror at the time) no worries, she's fine.  She jumped up, ran to the bus and laughed her fool head off.  If I didn't know better I'd swear she planned that.

Happy New Year!

So, obviously when I last wrote and said I would be posting more often, it was a blatant lie, because it's been since what?  July?  Holy heavenly chickens!  Ah well, the best laid plans and all that.

Well, it's New Years.  I feel as if I should be more excited about that than I actually am.  I remember when New Years meant dancing and drinking and hordes or youthful nonsense.  Now I'm hanging out at home, having a beer, relaxing and pondering whether or not I'll actually make it to the big ball drop.

I've been mulling over life the past year though.  How much things have changed, and what will be changing in the coming months.  As some of you know I moved in September and will be moving again early this summer.  Exciting?  Yes, but sometimes I wonder if the constant movement makes it too easy for me to simply disappear.  There have been many nice memories in the year past though.  Nora, for one, always makes me smile and she had some classic one liners not to be forgotten.  That kid is either going to be a comedian, a psycho, or a lawyer.  The verdict's still out.  At my sister-in-law's baby shower she lifted up a present and proclaimed, "Pants - really big pants", she renamed stockings shoe pockets, when asked if she was eating a ginger bread house for dinner, she stated that she was simply having the house special, and she informed me she's unlike any other child in the world.  She's just like a grown up. Apparently I missed that memo.  There were tons more, but those are the few that popped into my head first.  There are also dear friends, they know who they are, that made this past year a little brighter, full of love and unwavering support.  I owe them more than I could ever repay.

Well, that's all, a new year is coming.  The Mayans were wrong, Dec. 2012 wasn't the end of the world; thank God too, I still need to figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up. 

Take care everyone, stay safe and have a wonderful New Year.

How Unfortunate

Well, I thought I was doing well.  I've had some bad dreams the last few nights and haven't been getting a whole lot of sleep, but nothing too awful.  So, this morning when I was making my daughter breakfast and she began talking about her water that I took from her last night I thought perhaps she had me confused with her dad or that she had lost her mind, or perhaps that she was talking about something that happened a long time ago.  The conversation went something like this:
"Mama, can I have the water you took from me last night now?"
"What water?"
"The water you took."
"I didn't take water from you last night, I didn't even go into your room."
"Yes, you did and you took the water."
"Nora, no I did not and why would I take your water anyway?"
"So I wouldn't pee the bed."
"Oh, ok, yes good reason, but I didn't take any water because you didn't have any water."
"YES YOU DID."
"NO I DIDN'T.  I'll get you new water."  *walks a glass of water over to her*
"Mama!  It's in the fridge in the Spongebob cup."
"No, it's....*opens fridge* ...in the fridge. Oh.  Here you go, sweetie.  Sorry." *Nora huffs at me*

Well damn! I wonder what other fun things I do while I'm in la la land.

Father's Day

It's Father's Day.  We're suppose to be honoring our fathers today, thanking them.  I won't be doing that, but my daughter and I did do some fun projects for my husband.  We called my brother too, whose a father of three, to remind him that he rocks out loud.  I don't mind it so much now.  I don't really know that it's because I'm older or because I'm rarely there.  I think perhaps it's because life has changed.  I don't need to obsess about what I lost or don't have, when I have something here and now that I can embrace and be thankful for.  Yesterday my husband spent the day getting ice cream with our daughter, napping on the hammock with her, playing outside and swimming.  They put the dog in the pool and they made a mess all over the house, but they enjoyed each other. I think he was celebrating being a father this weekend as much as we were thanking him for being one.  My husband isn't always around, he's not always nice (neither am I) and things aren't perfect, but this weekend was pretty damn close.

It's funny what 6 year olds will say.

Depression

It's been happening more often.  Moments I'm not real sure what I was doing, if I have done something, what happened in between being in the bedroom and getting on the road.  Sometimes it's because I'm stressed, but other times it seems to precede the sorrow.  This is one of those times.


I keep hoping someday it will go away.  That I'll wake up one morning and be able to keep the sadness at bay.  Mostly I fake cheer, big smiles, laughs, funny emails.  It's a lie though, done somewhat for myself, but for others too, so they'll put up with me just a bit longer.

Today, the sorrow is suffocating.

Field Trip

Field trip today, somewhere an hour drive into Alabama with a large number of kindergarteners. *wide eyes*. Should be interesting, it's too see reptiles, amphibians and the like. Oh boy. Wish me luck!

I'm Brilliant

So, I spent part of my day today outside in my garage painting the background color for a 2'x 2' L I'm making for a teacher.  Yes, you read that right.  What?  She's a kindergarten teacher.  Don't judge me!  As I was saying, I was out there painting away and on my third coat of a pretty blue when I actually looked at my L, which at the time wasn't an L at all, but a backwards L or maybe half of a square.  I'd been painting the back.  Only took me three coats of paint to realize it!  Awesome.  Sometimes my gift of observation amazes even me.  Fuck. Guess I better turn it over, huh?

Food for Thought

"The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present."

                           - Barbara De Angelis